Negotiate With Your Head and Heart

By Kevin J Ryan

Years ago, negotiation was seen as an ‘intellectual’ activity – a meeting of the minds, challenging each other’s ideas and concepts analytically and dispassionately. Displays of emotion were disparaged with lines like, “There’s no need to get all emotional, it’s just business.”

Since then, we have developed sufficiently to appreciate the principle of the emotionally intelligent negotiator. We recognise that emotions play a large part in:
1. how someone will perceive an offer from the other party, and
2. how likely they are to give the decision that you want.
We recognise that reading other’s emotions and (appropriately) demonstrating or own can enhance rapport and understanding which gives you a better chance of arriving at a mutually beneficial agreement – the fabled ‘win-win’ outcome.

The trouble is, many of us have the idea that these are two separate processes:
1. The head analyses the details objectively.
2. The heart decides on feelings – both ours and the other person’s – intuitively.
We know that these are both wrong.
1. While we like to think that we can analyse issues based purely on the facts, the reality is that we are all biased according to our beliefs, assumptions and past experience.
2. Being emotionally intelligent requires more than just a ‘gut feel’.

In a recent article in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology called Trust Your Gut or Think Carefully? Researchers Christine Ma-Kellams and Jennifer Lerner examined
whether intuitive or systematic thought produced greater empathic accuracy. They discovered that when trying to better understand others emotions, systematic thinking produced better results that intuition. So, rather than just listening to and watching the other party and randomly ‘sensing’ their emotions, we need to be more systematic. For example, if you sense irritation in the other party, systematically work though what might be the cause. It could be generated by:
1. The environment. They might feel physically uncomfortable or unhappy with the surroundings.
2. The situation. They might dislike the position they’ve been put in – perhaps by their superiors, perhaps by your bargaining.
3. The issue. There might be one aspect of the deal that they find difficult, tedious or uninteresting.
4. The people. Others at the negotiating table might irritate or intimidate them. Make sure it’s not you!

At many international airports nowadays, you don’t talk to a human being at the immigration checkpoint. It’s all done electronically. Even for the countries that do have customs officers to stamp your passport, these officers no longer need to check your face with the photo on the identification page. That is done when you look at the camera and the computer analytically compares your facial features with your passport photo. This has been proven to be much more accurate than a human doing the comparison – which largely relies on intuition.

Always Use Both
With head and heart, it should never be a case of one or the other. Both are required. Using head without heart can damage your brand enormously. Just look at all the companies who have become involved with a product failure and focus on those who have acted with their head – trying to deflect blame or miminise loss of profits. Their brand suffered immeasurably.
Using heart without head can make you a victim of those prepared to use emotions manipulatively. The most common two tactics are:
1. To belittle you, put you down or otherwise try to have you feel inadequate. This is designed to undermine your confidence – particularly your confidence in the preparation you did for this negotiation. If I can compromise your confidence in your preparation, I simultaneously compromise your confidence in your offer which was based on that preparation. Once this is done, you are likely to be more flexible.
2. To irritate you; to goad you into saying something you’ll regret – again, with the same aim – to get you to give away more than you otherwise would.

You should expect them to use these tactics. Don’t take them personally. See them as nothing more than the banter that goes on pre-match between supporters of the opposing teams. You may be able to deal with this by mentally removing yourself, but it may require you to physically remove yourself – even if it’s just for a trip to the restroom.

You don’t have to be totally passive. You may decide to show your frustration and/or anger. What’s important, though, is to only do it for the right reasons. You might decide that this is the only way you can get them to understand certain points. You should never use emotion to ‘let off steam’ or get even for something they have said or done. In negotiations, it’s important to distinguish between what’s satisfying and what’s smart.

Negotiation success requires you not just to be ‘head smart’ – you need to be emotionally smart as well.

About

Kevin is an experienced conference speaker, workshop leader, facilitator and MC. He has twenty-five years experience as a corporate trainer and fifteen years experience as a professional speaker.

He runs his own business from Brisbane, Australia, speaking at conferences and seminars across Australia, New Zealand, Asia and in the UK specialising in the areas of sales, customer service, humour in business and communication skills. His clients include some of Australia’s largest organisations, politicians, members of the judiciary, Olympic athletes and elite sports people.

He has co-authored nine books on communication skills and humour in business that are used extensively throughout Australia, New Zealand, Asia, the UK and South Africa. He writes regular columns on communication skills, sales & customer service and humour in business for a number of industry magazines. His articles have been printed in major daily newspapers in Australia and Asia.

Kevin is a Certified Speaking Professional (CSP) which is the highest possible level in professional speaking and the only one recognised internationally. He is the Immediate Past National President of the National Speakers Association of Australia.

Kevin is the creator of the TILT! Sales and Sales Leadership Programs ( http://www.tiltsell.com )