By Deirdre Murray, Executive Coach, Trainer and Facilitator with PEOPLE RESOURCES
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” Dale Carnegie
We’ve all been there. You are a conscientious employee and have been asked to implement an important group project which requires cross-functional cooperation. You don’t get to choose the team and unfortunately there’s one person who always tries to undermine everything you’re trying to do with snide comments at meetings, constant nitpicking or not adhering to agreed milestones as they’re always ‘too busy’. They smile sweetly and agree with everything you’re doing and then go behind your back to sabotage your efforts. You want to remain professional but it’s taking its toll, and you’ve had enough!
Below are 7 steps to help you deal with this difficult person and get your project back on track.
Dealing with passive aggressive behaviour from a work colleague is unfortunately very common in business and can be a major challenge for many employees. It can also be completely draining and exhausting, as you may be responsible as the overall project lead and can be especially difficult if the person or key stakeholder is senior in rank to you or from another Department. I personally experienced this in my early career as a young trainee graduate. I had just received promotion and was moved to another city. The long-serving incumbent who was not very happy that the post didn’t go to one of her other colleagues referred to me as a “blow-in” and even though they sat across from in the same office they wouldn’t engage with me and every time I came back to my desk there was a post-it note with some question or instruction on it. Her excuse every time was “Sorry, I just missed you there!” As you can imagine this became really frustrating and I no longer wanted to tolerate this childish behaviour.
A leading psychologist outlines the reasons behind passive aggressive behaviour. It may be shame that they didn’t get the opportunity to do what you’re doing, they may have been rejected for a particular post, or they may feel threatened by you as they have an inferiority complex.
What are the signs of passive aggressive behaviour?
They may be very cynical and negative about what you are trying to achieve.
They may find fault with everything or undermine you and blame everyone else for their mistakes and even worse, lay blame in front of the boss.
They may deny that there’s any issue when it is raised and tell you you’re over-sensitive or paranoid.
They may consistently miss deadlines or fail to act on what you have requested in a timely manner.
They may criticise you, roll their eyes when you speak or ridicule you behind your back when they know it will get back to you eventually.
What can you do about passive-aggressive behaviour?
According to Amy Gallo, Contributing Editor at Harvard Business Review, the most important thing is not to ‘label’ them passive-aggressive as this will make them even more defensive. She emphasises the need to really focus on what is motivating them and what’s behind the behaviour, not the behaviour itself.
- Address it directly with the person in a professional manner and state what your concerns are, try and find common ground on what you both want to achieve and reestablish ground rules on how the two of you can continue to communicate and collaborate constructively. If their behaviour is affecting the team it’s important to highlight the fact that the success of the task or project required everyone’s input and that it is important that everyone commits positively.
- Try and understand what’s driving their behaviour and why they’re behaving like this. They may be threatened or are unsure of their role and feel inferior. It’s a reflection of them not you and you need to always remain composed and professional in your dealings with them despite your upset or frustration.
- If it’s possible at all, limit your interaction with them and make a note of stated timelines and commitments.
- Raise it with directly your boss if things become unmanageable and seek advice from HR on how best to resolve the issue. Sometimes an intermediary such as HR can meet separately with each party and understand the issue from both sides so that it can be resolved.
- Manage your own emotions and keep them in check. It’s important not to take things personally as they may be like this with everyone. The last thing you want is to lose your composure and stoop to their level as this would be exactly what they wanted. Maintain the high ground and look for positive options.
- Focus on the facts, not their behaviour. Be clear about agreed commitments and follow through.
- If all else fails, sometimes the person who is disruptive in a group setting will have to leave the team as it will impact negatively on everyone. They may have tried to drag other team members along into their way of thinking so that you’re met with a complete barrier to change which is unacceptable.
In all these scenarios, the important message is to keep your cool, remain professional, focus on positive options and reach out for help if you can’t resolve it on your own.
About the author
Deirdre Murray, Founder and Director of PEOPLE RESOURCES, partners as an Executive Coach, Trainer and Facilitator with leading multinationals and public sector bodies across all sectors. She works with leaders and teams to maximise their potential through focused and timely coaching and leadership development.
Deirdre is co-author of “Emotional Intelligence (EQ) – A Leadership Imperative!” Her second book “Communicate with Impact – Communicate and Influence Successfully,” is out now at www.peopleresources.ie. She is a regular motivational speaker at conferences, seminars and on radio broadcasts and provides journal entries for leading business magazines.
